pleadings from a bleeding heart

i am tired and i need to sleep

but by sticking to the truth and equality
of all persons made in your image
i have lost that sleep that i long very much!

in this world money in wallet

with size and location of ones abode
determine the value of men
and women demolishing all your values!

hence i sit here tapping my keyboard

to utter my unutterable pleading
bleeding from my soul
that has been sold and sold to you!

how long and how long should i tap

before you open your ear, your heart
to let my cries reach your throne
to release some relief, that grace!

hasten, Oh God! hasten to re-make

your world, where men and women
of all status will enjoy that respect
we give to the throne we have built here!

 

perfectly still

i thank you, though it is a silly act

to praise the providence unlike the moon
in size and strength increasing and decreasing
but shines consistently like that mighty sun
unaffected by the drifting clouds
nor bullied even a bit
by the transient permanent change in season!

keep me away from running after success in personal

professional, or spiritual kind, uprooting from my soul
that weed, that inclination for sainthood
the tempter secretly sows in moments of my slumber!

assist me with your grace to be still, perfectly still

like that pond heron standing on one leg!
press me hard with pain, your grace until
in you i am well grafted
leaving behind, and loosing
from my mind the thought of my growth
or, that greater fruit bearing!

 

Emma and Eva

your ways in the world, for me at least

is always a mystery, and often
very irritating to my sensibility!

Emma at her old age turns to you with great love

but all she reaps in that turning is more pain!

Eva despite her own misfortune works so hard

to care, but hardly anything comes easy on her way!

in this, how do you expect me to announce

your providence, your intimate presence
with those who call your name!

i pray that you heal Emma

and make the burden easier for Eva
proliferating your presence in their path!

 

late hour

the clock alarm rang at 4.00 am

i woke and pressed and i am
out of bed only at 6.14 am!

the bed is warm and i pull

my blanket right up to my neck
rolling and curling to make
my body more comfortable!

later, i call that my laziness

chaining my creativity and eroding
a life of potentials and this is where i am
now when i turn to you to confess
my wasted aeons and i beg for grace!

my repentance for the left-over days

i realize, is not deep enough
to turn my life inside out and make
a new path, to joy, i may walk!

hence i cling to you at this late hour;

please, push me not out of your abode
though many a chance i have missed!

for you and your hug, that grace is all

i need to which i am now a sure slave!

peace and tranquility

i do not turn to you for my peace and tranquility

though i will enjoy both if they are a by-product of truth,
righteousness and a sense of equality with no discrimination
towards the small, the poor, the less fortunate -

those who live in a humble

abode, and use little
or, no weight to throw around
to make life easy for themselves!

i find my moments with you filled with agitation

for i bring much conflicts to your table
ending up battling you like Jacob with the angels
on his way to make peace with his brother Esau!

i pray that you give me grace when the going is tough

that i may never disown that which you own
deep in your heart and soul that i may learn your will
and live the same even when that brings nothing -

nothing but a constant pain

for there is more peace
being grafted to your mind
than in all peace and tranquility!

road less travelled

road less travelled is the path

i want to traverse like the Man from Nazareth
refusing to flow with the flow
that had its benefit package and perks!

road less travelled is the path

not for the feeble and frail in heart and in soul
but only for those with a mind that Man
christ carried emptying emptiness of the world!

road less travelled is the path

of transformed non-conformity flowing
from the choice consciously made like the Nazarene
in wilderness battling the tempter!

road less travelled is the path

to death of that ego, the picking up the cross
to follow a crucified Master, the plain son
of a man with no place to lay his head!

 

 

 

 

oneness

God be in my head

be in my heart
be in my soul
be in my mind

God become my hand

become my feet
become my belly
become my lungs

God be my thought

be my lips
be my tongue
be my nerves

God become my taste

become my eating
become my drinking
become my breathing

God be my present

be my past
be my future
be my eternity

God become my being

become my fleeing
become my first
become my last

 

one that lasts

there is one that i desire

and there is one that i seek
as i turn to you in my prayer:
that you be in me and i in you

for if you are the primary cause
of all life and if it is to you
that i return, then i rather
remain in you forever

wealth much i sought

wealth much i lost
education much i sought
and much i found useless

fame and family i lived for

in the past are mere fumes
that pass away too soon
like the clouds of the morning sky

my mother i loved her

my father i respected him
my daughter i much cared for
but all have vanished like vapour

incline my eyes to see you

incline my heart to feel you
incline my soul to bear you
incline my mind to seek you

for you, and you alone

i am now inclined to own
for it is for your presence
and being, i am now a slave

 

no magic

my love for ease prevents that release

of the creative energy
stored deep within my soul
my fear to take risk fails to kick

the engine that needs a kick-start

leaving me in bed
to the comfort of that lie:
my body needs more sleep

i then turn to you for cheap grace

believing the unbelievable
until you kick me on my face
to pull myself together

and work hard for my release

or, to be damned in that relief of my own
more sleep and slumber
that knowledge, in my mind, increase:

that with you there is no magic

turning stones into bread
or, skipping the consequences
of my acts – good, or bad

while i focus not on the worth

of wealth, immerse me in the wisdom
that makes you to send the sun
shine on both good and evil

and the rain on wheat and weeds

viewing the wayside pampas grass
in the same way
you glance at the great oak

fret in my heart

i stand before you, in your unseen presence

and present myself with that disquiet caused
by that unrest among those uneasy with the loss
of power and influence they hitherto enjoyed

with no concern for growth of yours!

anxiety fills their heart foreboding a sense
of alarm in my soul of the current turbulence
that may kick strife and conflict all around

creating more disturbances and fighting

to death; the present turmoil and agitation
create plenty of disorder and instability
for my continuing work, adding nervousness

and a sense of restlessness causing

more discomfort! my present apprehension
and fear of losing my control, eventually
the current employment cause much distress

this makes me fret and i am troubled

deeply in my heart and filled with angst
and anguish creating that menacing sorrow
crippling my life, taking away calm i long

am i faking

i do not want to talk to my self

and think i am talking to you
the Lord of the universe
whom i seek to love and serve!

there are two that i do not know

there are two that are always unclear
to me: my knowledge of you
and my knowledge of myself!

from this stems my not knowing

or, this exercise becoming unclear:
am i talking to you, or
is my prayer a mere self-talk!

i pray for more genuine prayer

where my talking reaches the ear
of that one who moves the world
speaking to me an audible word!

nothing weighty from you i need

except that you hear my pleas
with an assurance i am heard
and my talking is not worthless!

 Note: Photo credit to Mario Flores.

pretty-less pain

i put no obstacles in anyone’s way and no fault

was ever found with my work and my presenting
to them as your servant and my work
through endurance in afflictions, hardships

and calamities, verbal abuse, and sleepless nights

with hard labour, purity of heart
grazing your Word, patience, kindness, holiness
of spirit and a genuine love for your people!

yet i am treated as an impostor

by the controllers, the so called leaders!
i am considered as unknown
though very well known!

i invite them to open wide the hearts

for love to enter and transform
the inner person for the Church
to flourish in the godless world!

dew of quietness

disquiet within me rises like larva

creeping on my limbs
and other times like lava
from Vesuvian volcano filling fertile fields!

it is nothing but this absolute disquiet

that you from the moment of my youth
have given me in that prophetic path
you have chosen to drive me!

i have lost all my hope in getting out

of this persistent mire, the unending karmic fire
the end, that final consummation
in you is what i now seek!

i pray you drop that dew of quietness

a little water, only grace i now look up to
or consume me quickly in the fire of crematorium
for that final cleansing of my soul to rise into you!
 
© henry victor

not a black cat

are you one, or a platoon i know not

and i am neither wrong, nor right
in my speaking of you!

do the birds and the animals

like me, have a you to turn to
to bring to a you their pleadings and prayers!

this too, with other unanswered questions

in my mind i am likely to brush aside
as childish, meaningless quest or, join
the multitude who have an easy answer:
there is no god
but fools follow superstition!

my blunt mal-adjustment to the world

permit not
me to run with them either!

and if you were the black cat

i am looking for in the darkest night
in the darkest room
but with a careful focus
i may settle with a hey
but you are neither that!

henry victor      19.01.2015

shattered dream

reality, far removed from my dream

of my earlier days of romance with success
tortures me daily in my sleep and wakefulness
cutting me into pieces each calling your name
i struggle to let go from my soul soaring
victoriously, into suffering and pain

i, now, linger in that prison, the four walls

levelled around me by my own will and making
and working of the destiny gnawing
joyously like the beaver making the dam
nibbling the taller trees with shorter teeth
arranged in nature with none to dominate
that ultimate will to shatter my heart’s proposal
i had put forward with my innocent compassion
going beyond my initial skill accumulation

henry victor      01.01.2015

 

 

irrelevant

it looks you are in slumber, do not interfere

in conflicts of humans, and even let one
dominate the other as if you dream the game
of the big fish playing against the small sprat

perhaps, perhaps, you do so to let the drama

of crucifixion continue in the same one
the path taken by Jesus of Nazareth to confirm
his destiny, for humanity, an inevitable fate

if they were to live the Kingdom value!

doing so you make Jesus a lying one
and his words, “ask, seek and knock” inapt
in the world cherishing the grabbing spirit

your being makes my doing all that praying

irrelevant not just for me alone but also for ones
you have put on my way, wrapping them tight
in my bosom adding in  my heart my weight

purpose and Peace

i stand before you with wants

not unknown to you though my need
the deepest, is to blend with your will
where i will find my purpose and Peace

this will make me stand apart

from all blending too quickly happens
the greatest temptation for men and women
serving an Aaronic altar wearing a Mosaic mask

they choose  the least resistant path

providing the masses peace, an absence
of conflicts, an added music for dance
and above all the idol, a golden calf

assist me to take the risk, that discomfort

of sailing in turbulent waters wearing a garb
of nonconformity, adding an extra disquiet
for a journey into your being lacking a handle

 

dream short lived

i bring to you the dream

i feel will be short lived
in this country
of peace!

exactly a year ago when i escaped

that tragic accident escaping
with a minor bruise to my ford focus
my red station wagon
i assumed you sent your angels
to shelter me for a greater work
in the peace country
of building a togetherness
with three distinct communities
that this unity becomes a model, to shine
as bright light for others to walk
with ease!

today after so much of hard work

from passionate and single minded
commitment to you and your Kingdom
with willing, simple, and transformed life
with much grazing your word
i find there are still forces
surfacing from self-importance desiring
a takeover i cannot battle any longer
with ease!

hence, here i stand

for your opening me the door
your showing me the path
to walk my next step
or, for your sending me that angel
once more that i may return
in peace!

burnt breakfast

my mind is inclined to do that good

and i labour hard, putting lot of my heart
but often ending with an effort wasted
throwing into garbage like my burnt breakfast

and it continues to pierce my nostrils

even in noon, reminding my lack
of awareness caused by my preoccupation
of another work that could have waited

i pray you remove all greed that keep

creeping into my heart, including hunger
for more work sometimes done in your name,
for your sake with no time for ‘awareness’,

an increased concentration of the One

that matters most at any given moment
to augment energy to complete the task
at hand; this i lack and from you i ask!

making her nest

i observe my daughter growing

from dependence to independence
breaking away from comfort and security
from living under my shade and shadows
to that making of her own nest!

and i congratulate her though inwardly it hurts

sometimes like an anginic piercing in heart
and i know this must happen
and it is to this end my parenting
should journey towards!

this makes me wonder

whether it is a sign of immaturity
that i keep coming to you seeking
shade and shelter under your invisible
wings like a chick running into her mother
hen’s wings every time a raven fly past by her!

teach me then the art of balancing

between my dependence on your providence
and my need for independence
another aspect, the other side, of your providence
demanding my growing into maturity
of body, mind, heart and spirit
that i will eventually be equipped to judge
critically, and create the new city
with you in the ocean i am placed!

place me higher

your face i seek so intensely though often

i stumble around not knowing how to seek
your countenance more effectively and knowing
not exactly in what form i will see
your semblance before my heart will be content!

there is just one desire that is predominant

in my heart though many more may dash
like hundreds of waves dashing at the shore;
and that one is to have you
to my mind’s far-reaching fulfilment!

it is only in you and in your face

that i will find my perfect rest
from all these restlessness that stems
from my search for you
and your exterior expressions!

delay not to visit me with your distinct

form and content that will lead
to the transformation of my life
lived at present in many prisons
from which i am unable to escape!

release me from my prisons and protect

me from those growling dogs
around me snarling all the time they see
me, ready to tear me into pieces
considering my stand too radical!

place me high up on your hill

where neither storms nor floods
can touch me, or the enemy approach to kill
me to rid of all my unpolluted thoughts
emerging from my seeking your face!

 

cornered or enslaved

“cornered”, commented your conscience!

i know for sure you have a conscience
one that you have now, carefully, cornered
for your convenient cornering others!

but as for me, i am enslaved, and you hinted

in your note with the first two, and the last two words
you hand-picked, like you hand-pick tomatoes
in the store before you store them in yours

once we understand who we are in our essence

the rest flows swiftly like in an unblocked kitchen
sink where beyond all violence all is cleansed
before we go for rest or for our recreation

henry victor     05.01.2015